You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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