false alarm. still invincible.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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