Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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