...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
