He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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