did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
