I wanna bring you to show and tell
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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