I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
