does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
