Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So apparently I’m into choking now
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