It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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