brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
