new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
