if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize