Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
