when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
