a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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