well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
