is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
two words...techno handjob
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
