You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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