i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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