make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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