At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
