i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
