I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
