Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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