I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Alive.
So much puke
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
