I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
