You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
