dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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