Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
