i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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