I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
