eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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