It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
