Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
