Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
