Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
