Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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