Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
