she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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