Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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