I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
