I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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