sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it's like iHOP with fire
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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