OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
