I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
And he claims I gave him βfuck meβ eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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