Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
