It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
