I swear she didn't look like that last week.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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