i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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