If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
