Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I could fuck to npr.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
