does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize