I cut my penus on the lid.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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