The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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