You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
