The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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