Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
