That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
