Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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