I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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