Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
