i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
