our cab driver is having phone sex.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
